This is one of those post I should probably just leave inside my head. It may come across as kind of rude. But it makes me feel better to type it out, and so I'm going to. This pregnancy for me hasn't been a walk in the park. Yeah, there are other people who have it a million times worse than what I have had for sure, but this has still been really hard for me. I'm not used to feeling constantly sick. I miss actually enjoying food, I miss not feeling like any second my stomach could betray me, and sleeping for more than 5 hours with out having to get up to go to the bathroom and not being exhausted all the time, I miss not having constant back pain. I mostly just miss feeling like myself. But even with all of that, you know what has been the worse for me? People who feel the need to tell me how much I don't know. I don't know who decided it was a rule for every single person who has had a kid to tell you things, but I wish it wasn't the case. I'm so tired of hearing, "Oh you think you are tired now, you just wait until the baby is born." "I don't think you have any idea how hard it is." "You are going to go back to school so soon, you just don't understand how hard that is going to be on you." "you think you are ready for that?" I'm glad that we haven't got more of the whole "you should have waited until after school." but still the others are almost as bad.
Cause guess what? Here's the thing. I probably don't know, I'm sure I don't understand how hard everything is going to be, how much my life is going to change it the next five months. I don't think it's possible to really understand how hard having a child is until you have one, but guess what? I'm not naive. I'm not going into this whole thing thinking that it's going to be rainbows and unicorns and butterflies. I am aware that kids are the hardest thing that I will ever do in my whole life, but I also know that there is nothing I would rather be doing with my life. I know that this is what I was supposed to be doing right now. Do you think I haven't thought about school, about how hard it is going to become after a baby is involved? Trust me. I have probably thought about it more than you could ever dream possible. I don't know that a minute goes by that I don't think about my little baby and wonder if I'm doing the right thing deciding to not take a year off. And I honestly don't know how it's going to work, how I will possibly get through it, but guess what? I have faith in myself and my abilities, I have faith in my husband and his support, and most of all I have faith in my Father. He has lead me this far without leading me astray, and I have no doubt that he will continue to do so. As I said in my first post, this is entirely in his hands, and he will carry me through it. It will still be impossibly hard. But it will do okay in the end. And it will work out exactly how it should.
So please, the next time you see fit to remind me that I don't know, or I don't understand. Please, try to find a little faith in me. I'm not a little girl who went into this blind, I'm a rational, logical, PhD student who understands that life isn't easy and that I made a decision that would make it even more difficult. And if you can't find faith in me, and you still think that I am unaware or naive, please just refrain from telling me so. Just let me be excited about my pregnancy. Let me look forward to my baby coming into my life, because trust me, I am already terrified and you telling me that I have no idea what I'm getting into doesn't help with that. Let me find out for myself in five months how unprepared I am and how hard being a mom really is okay? I would really appreciate it.
Sorry, this post is kinda harsh maybe, probably another reason why I shouldn't blog late at night when I'm tired and hormonal. But I do feel better after writing this all out.
